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TV/Movie Quotes

The Simpsons

Homer: Oh yeah, Marge? I made a dollar!
Marge: While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: WOOHOO! Four day weekend!

[Lisa has been caught looking out the window at Nelson during band practice.]
Class: Lisa likes Nelson!
Millhouse Van Houten: She does not!
Class: Millhouse likes Lisa!
Janey Powell: He does not!
Class: Janie likes Milhouse!
Uter: She does not!
Class: Uter likes Milhouse!
Professor Ludwig: Silence! NOBODY likes Milhouse!

Marge: [about a gay man] Homer, he prefers the company of men.
Homer: Who doesn't?

Cop:` Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
buzz]
Moe: All right, I did. But I didn't shoot him.
[ding]
Cop: Checks out. All right, sir. You're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
[buzz]
Moe: A date.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner with friends.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner alone.
[buzz]
Moe: Watching TV alone.
[buzz]
Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
[buzz]
Moe: Sears catalog.
[ding]
Moe: Now will you unhook me already? I don't deserve this shabby treatment!
[buzz]

Homer/Apu/Moe: You can do it, Otto. You can do it, Otto!
Apu: Make this spare, I'll give you free gelato!
Moe: Then back to my place where I will get blotto.
Homer: Domo arigato, Mister Roboto!

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer Jay Simpson: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, now who's being naive?

Moe Szyslak: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

"What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding..."
--Bart Simpson

"So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end."
--Homer Jay Simpson

Mr. Burns: Oh, so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say "Hard cheese!"

"A poem by Hans Moleman.
I think that I shall never see...
My cataracts are blinding me."

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch!

[While watching a faculty talent show]
Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

"I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!"
--Homer Jay Simpson

[Bart and Lisa are watching Krusty's Prison Special]
Bart: Hey, those guys *love* Krusty! Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice-versa.

Marge: Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.
Homer: Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist.
Marge: It's not Batman!

Bart: "How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?"
Mrs. Krabapple: "I'm sorry, that would be playing God."
Bart: "God shmod! I want my monkey-man!"

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
--Homer Jay Simpson

Dr. Nick (singing): The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch. Uh-oh."

Parole Board Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

Marge Simpson: Bart's grades are up a little this term! But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: Oh, why do we always have to have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge Simpson: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.
Marge Simpson: No, I mean Maggie.
Homer: Oh, yeah.

[Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
Homer Jay Simpson: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH![runs into a chestnut tree]

"I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!"
-- Homer Jay Simpson

Milhouse: "I can't hang out with you any more, Bart. My parents say you're a bad influence."
Bart: "Bad influence, my ass! How many times have I told you? Never listen to your parents!"

Maude Flanders: Edna, I really don't think we're talking about love. We're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down!

Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer Jay Simpson: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Ned Flanders: I need to know. Is God punishing me?
Rev. Lovejoy: Ooh. Short answer, "yes" with an "if." Long Answer, "no" with a "but."

Homer Jay Simpson: Lisa, I've had it with you and your stories. "Bart's a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now let's go back to that... building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going!

Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I -- uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

[To the Model UN team]
Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

Marge Simpson: Kids can be so cruel!
Bart Simpson: We can? Thanks, Mom!

Mrs. Krabapple: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Springfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.

Milhouse van Houten: "My mom says I'm cool!"

Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could survive adversity.
Amy Tan: No, no, that's not what I meant at all! I can't believe how wrong you got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.

Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
[Scorpio adjusts a giant laser cannon pointing towards the sky]
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy...

Principal Skinner: Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.

"I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to live, Marge!"
--Homer Jay Simpson, on why he wants to travel

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Marge: I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.

Homer Jay Simpson: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer Jay Simpson: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
--Homer Jay Simpson

Homer Jay Simpson: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Bart (to Milhouse): How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid?

"My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R."
--Homer Jay Simpson

Homer Jay Simpson: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. [brief pause] Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]

Bart: I'm starving! Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and free booze?
Marge: No, no one's going Catholic! Three children is enough, thank you.

[Bart and Lisa are competing in a hockey match.]
Homer: Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
--Homer Jay Simpson

Moe Szyslak: I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt.

Mr. Burns: Oh, yes, sitting -- the great leveler. From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant, who doesn't enjoy a good sit?

Ralph Wiggum: My cat's breath smells like cat food

{Bart says a badger is in the doghouse]
Homer: Badger my ass, its probably just Milhouse.

Mr. Burns: Pish posh, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod we both made shells for the Germans its just that mine worked!

[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse.]
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Another broccoli-related death.
Marjorie 'Marge' Bouvier Simpson: But I thought broccoli was...
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Kang: Holy flurking schnit!

Lionel Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"
-- Ralph Wiggum

Homer Jay Simpson: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.
[doorbell rings]
Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick--
Homer Jay Simpson: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.
[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
Homer Jay Simpson: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.

Bartholomew 'Bart' Jo-Jo Simpson: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer Jay Simpson: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.